The Continental Chippie

The Continental Chippie 16/7/11

Sirs,

After a fine afternoon listening to HebCelt music sessions in the town while sampling some fine Hebridean ales, I found I had some time to kill before the bus home so I wandered through the Continental Market in the re-furbished Perceval Square - it was a sobering experience, especially the prices!

Better to head for the chippie and have a snack to tide me over till I have my tea at home.

But as I turn the corner, what has happened - the front of my chippie has a multi-coloured awning above the door and little European flags are draped all around!

I go in the door to be greeted by a scene from "Allo! Allo!" - my usual T-shirt clad host is wearing a waistcoat and a long white apron!

"Bonjour Cove!" he says, "Aye Aye" I reply, "Can I have my usual supper please - black pudding wrapped in bacon"

"Now Cove you're missing the point" came the reply "We've gone Continental - just like the market in Perceval Square - no black pudding, steak pies, steakettes or haggis - why do you think I've put up these flags"
I could see he'd put a bit of effort into it, even the wee wooden forks had been painted red, white & green or blue - "Amazing what you can do with a couple of aerosols from Autoparts!" said mine host, proudly.

I looked into the lit trays where my black puddings used to wait - there is food there right enough - looks like battered onion rings, sausages and possibly chicken drumsticks, though they look a bit on the small side, as do the fish!

"Now then Cove, these may look like onion rings to you but they are in fact a continental delicacy - Calamari a bhalaich!"

Uh-Huh, sausages are sausages though aren't they?

"Continental sausages Cove, worst, salami, you name it!"

Uh-Huh, and the drumsticks?

"Drumsticks!" says he disgustedly - "Frogs Legs a bhalaich - although I have to admit they're not French, there's a steall of them in the pond at the bottom of the croft!"

Uh-Huh, and the small fish?

"Cudaigean, the Continentals prefer their fish small I'm told"

I had to admit I was more impressed by his entrepreneurial skills than the menus!

"Now then" says I, "At least tell me the chips are real potatoes?"

"You just haven't caught on at all Cove" says he "Pommes Frites is the word you're looking for, not Chips - now then, what would you like?"

"Well since I can't get my usual, I'll have a portion of Pommes Frites please"

"Right Cove, what would you like on these - Pasta Sauce, French Mustard, Olives - Salt & Vinegar is off the menu this week"

"No No it's all right, I'll do without, how much is that - £1.40?"

Ching went the till - "That will be 14 Euros por favor Cove"

"Fo-Fo-Fo Fourteen Euros - how do you make that out?"

"Same price as the portions in the Continental Market Cove"

Though the above episode is purely ficticious, those who have purchased food in the Continental Market have paid similar prices for a polystyrene carton of food or a "pick n mix" of sweets, a bit steep whichever way you look at it, especially when prices are not easy to spot.

At a time when local businesses are struggling, and the numbers in the town have gone up with the Heb Celt and the Tall Ships, it seems very unfair to give a prime site in the town centre to visiting traders - even the musicians and dancers from the Heb Celt are struggling to find small spaces at street corners for their performances - and for the prices at the market to be seriously inflated will also give the visitors a poor impression.

Norman G Smith

7 Gress

Isle of Lewis

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